The Best Laid Plans
by tetekanui
Summary: Valentine's Day with the Mario crew. Quite silly. Including guest appearances from other video games. ...HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!


The Best Laid Plans

Sharp, loud pounding on the little door, violent enough to shake the very foundations of the house, made the plumber bounce around the kitchen. He watched with wide blue eyes as his steaming spaghetti and meatballs flew into the air, as if in slow motion. Frantically, he ran for the pot on the stove, grabbed its handles, and held it beneath the spaghetti, expertly catching most of it by shifting the pot back and forth. As the last of the pasta plopped into the pot with a satisfying slosh, Mario scratched his head under his hat and looked toward the door.

"Mamma mia! What on earth could that racket be?"

With difficulty because of the vibrating floor, Mario made his way to the front door and threw it open. And came face to…knee, with a familiar scaly yellow leg.

Hulking in the doorway was the massive figure of the Koopa King himself, spiky shell gleaming, amber eyes bright and shining, scales reflecting the sunlight.

Mario shielded his eyes. "Bowser? What are you doing here?" He lowered his hand and his eyes shifted up to meet Bowser's suspiciously. "Please tell me you're not doing the whole Peach-abduction shtick again…"

"No, no, nothing like that." Bowser shrugged. "She's pretty high maintenance. Last kidnapping, she had me and the koopalings redecorate my whole castle so that it would be brighter and…pinker. And don't get me started on her appetite. She eats like a pig—at least it fits her whole _pink_ theme!—and honestly, she has the weirdest tastes. It's like she has pregnant cravings _all the time._"

There was an awkward silence.

"I mean," grunted Bowser delicately, "there's no way that she _could_ be…"

"Nope," Mario replied swiftly. "She just gives me cake."

There was another awkward silence.

Then Mario's mouth twitched under his moustache, and he started to crack up.

"_What?_" demanded Bowser, a little nonplussed by the plumber's sudden intense amusement.

"They gave you a voice actor!" Mario snorted. "It sounds so strange. You think they would've learned from _Sunshine!_ What's next, they gonna make me say anything other than 'yahoo!' and 'here we go!' and 'let's-a go!'?"

"And don't forget 'oh no!'" Bowser said, snickering in spite of himself. "How do you feel about those always being your last words?"

Mario gave Bowser the flattest look he could manage. "My voice isn't that high," he muttered.

Bowser cupped his hand to his ear and leaned down. "What? What? I can't seem to hear you. I think you're speaking at too high-pitched a frequency for anyone but dogs to make out."

"Hardy har har." Mario crossed his arms. "You know, sometimes I just feel like dropping this affected Italian accent and next time I die, instead of that 'oh no' stuff, I'll say something like, oh, I dunno… 'O good Luigi, what a wounded name, things standing thus unknown, shall live behind me!'" Mario clenched his fists and bent his forward leg, fully throwing himself into the drama. "'If thou didst ever hold me in thy heart absent thee from felicity awhile,'" he continued rapturously, "'and in this harsh world draw thy breath in pain, to tell my story…O, I die, Luigi'"—and here he laid the back of his hand on his forehead—"'the potent poison quite o'er-crows my spirit: I cannot live to hear the news from Brooklyn; but I do prophesy the election lights on Toad: he has my dying voice; so tell him, with the occurrents, more and less, which have solicited….The rest is silence.'"

He bowed his head, letting the moment settle, and then he waited for applause.

"If it took you that long to die, no kid would play your game anymore," Bowser said.

"It could at least be a skippable cutscene…"

"Just stick with the 'oh no,'" Bowser advised, nodding sagely.

"Fine." Mario crossed his arms. "And _you_ stick with unintelligible growls and subtitles!" Before Bowser could respond to that, Mario asked, "So why'd you come around anyway, big guy? Got a busted pipe or something?"

Bowser rolled his eyes. "Yeah. Like you ever do any actual plumbing. Going down into a strange pipe when you have no idea where it leads and mucking around in the sewage system does not a certified plumber make."

Mario rubbed the back of his neck. "Ah, well, whatever. Is there something you needed?"

Bowser looked down at Mario and for once, the colossal reptile's bravado faded to reveal self-consciousness. His eyebrows drew together and formed a little line of worry, and his razor-sharp claws twiddled with nerves. "Um…." He cleared his throat. "As you know, today is Valentine's Day…"

Mario nearly fell over. His head whipped over to glance at the calendar hanging on the wall. It was, indeed, true. Mario could see yesterday's date, February 13, marked off of the calendar, and today's date circled in bold red marker. The box was filled with hand-drawn hearts, smiley faces, a list of things to do—buy flowers, pick up chocolates, get a restaurant reservation—and was even complete with a crude doodle of what Mario knew was supposed to be Princess Daisy. Mario slapped his forehead, wondering how he hadn't noticed that level of nonsense.

"So it is!" he exclaimed, stepping outside so that he could see Bowser more clearly and shutting the door behind him.

Bowser crossed his arms, a smirk crossing his face. "You forgot."

"Did not!" Mario protested, even as his face reddened to match his outfit.

"Don't try to deny it. You owe me for reminding you. So." Bowser stepped back with a wide grin and rubbed his hands together mischievously. "I propose we put our differences aside this year and work together to give Peach a Valentine's Day she won't soon forget…"

ooo

"Are you sure this is gonna work? I feel silly," Mario complained, crouching beside Bowser as they peered around an ornate column.

Bowser waved away Mario's objections. "Don't worry about it. This'll be incredible. You'll see." With a mischievous glint in his eye, he added, "And who knows? Maybe for once you'll be rewarded with a little more than cake."

Of course, Mario was far too classy of a gentleman to even dignify such a crude taunt with any sort of response—

Mario turned to the narrator, tilted his head, and raised an eyebrow. "Ex_cuse_ me? I don't even get to tell this big, fat, ugly lizard off? I mean, bro," he continued to Bowser, "there are some lines you don't cross. It was totally unnecessary for you to even go there."

Bowser shrugged, trying not to grin at the chubby plumber's huffy, indignant display. "Sorry, Mario."

They turned their attention back to the golden double doors. Bowser was dancing from foot to foot in anticipation for the princess to emerge from her chambers, even though by now he was well aware of how long she took to apply her makeup before she would allow anyone to see her. Bowser didn't really blame her, though. One time, he had attempted to kidnap her in the middle of the night when she didn't have any makeup on her face, and the sight had been so horrific that he had fallen from her window, pale and shaking in terror. Actually, he didn't even really remember what she looked like without makeup. He had repressed the memory in order to keep his sanity.

"Besides," Mario muttered, hard to hear over Bowser's anxious stomps, "at least I'm biologically compatible with Peach….You probably wouldn't even fit."

"Huh?"

"What?"

Suddenly, the doors were thrown open, and there she stood. Princess Peach looked magnificent as always. Mario found himself forced to shield his eyes again at the heavenly glow backlighting her silhouette. Her hair was golden, her customary pink ballgown perfectly ironed and pressed, her lips glossed, blush applied to her cheeks, and a nice dollop of eyeshadow and mascara. _Thank God… _Bowser shuddered again at the memory that would not quite surface.

"Could her entrance be any more flashy?" Mario muttered. "I mean, all she's missing is the 'Hallelujah' chorus and a bunch of birds flying out from behind her. It's not like she knows she's being watched. I guess she always just exits her room and poses like that."

Bowser sprung out from behind the column, landing right in front of Peach. The strength of his jump tore the castle's foundation from the ground and made the entire palace hop nearly two feet in the air. Peach tottered on her feet and then collapsed, her crown rolling away.

She glowered at Bowser. "I _know_ you're going to help me to my feet and then pick that up!" she snapped. "I don't have time for your shenanigans today, Bowser. I have to bake a cake for a very special guy. Don't you know what day it is?"

Still behind the column, toppled by Bowser's enthusiastic bounce, Mario smiled, feeling warmth spread through him. Even if it was the same reward as he always got—for everything—she _had_ called him special. No, wait—actually _very_ special. Sometimes he lost faith in Peach's affections, because honestly, she wasn't the most gracious female in the world. But then a simple word or a gesture was all that was needed to assure him once again. Which was why, no matter what, though they seldom agreed on anything and spent all their social time arguing, she would always be the only one for him.

You know, other than Pauline. And Rosalina…mm, mm, _mmm,_ Rosalina…

Mario slapped himself. What was he thinking? He had Peach. And he _was_ so grateful for her.

"Of course we know what day it is! That's why we're here!" Bowser explained to Peach, taking her hand and righting her, then promptly causing her to collapse again when he stomped away to fetch her crown.

Peach rubbed her head, her anger visibly boiling. But she managed to ask, relatively calmly, "We?"

Mario figured now was as good a time as any for his entrance, despite the fact that things weren't going according to plan. He bounded from behind the column, revealing himself to Peach. "It's-a me," he said proudly, "Mario!"

Peach stared at him, blinking a couple of times, taking in the giant red construction paper hearts with a circle cut out for Mario's face that had crudely been stapled together. To top it all off, there was a red heart painted on the plumber's big nose.

"I represent Saint Valentine," Mario began, striking his dramatic pose…

…Only to be interrupted by Peach's laughter. "Oh my god," she said, rolling back and forth, tears streaming down her face. "Stop, stop. Agh, my sides!"

Mario's mustache drooped. Peach's unprecedented response—though, in hindsight, he really should have seen it coming—made the lines of the planned skit fly from his mind. He groped for memory, but it would not come, and he started to sweat. "Uh…ah…"

"Hey, bro!" yelled a voice, and Mario heard the castle doors get thrown open with a clang and hurried footsteps coming their way. "Bro, don't worry! Leave it to me. I know the words. I can help!"

"Oh no…" Mario mumbled.

Luigi came running into the hallway, spindly arms pumping and giving way to un-proportional, unwieldy hands. He straightened his hat, which was threatening to fly off of his head. "Hey! I heard you were doing a Valentine's skit for Peach! You must've forgotten to ask me to join, but don't worry, I'm here now—"

"Huh? Is that green squirt here?" Bowser had finally managed to retrieve Princess Peach's crown and return. No sooner had he shoved the crown onto Peach's head than he turned to Luigi and promptly lifted his foot. Luigi only had time to gaze with wide eyes at the enormous shadow suddenly cast over him before the foot came down. "Mario and I are doing this. We can't afford anyone to mess things up. And that's all you ever do!"

Mario clenched his fists and then swung one at the giant koopa. The force impacted with Bowser's armored stomach, causing a jarring vibration in Mario's arm, but it also sent Bowser flying into the wall.

"No one stomps my brother except for _me!_" Mario declared, although the sentence perhaps would have had more of an impact if Mario wasn't wincing and rubbing his arm.

"Th-thanks, bro," said Luigi shakily, reaching up his hand to get Mario's help with standing.

"That said, you _do_ mess everything up! Why'd you even come? You know that spells disaster. Your stupid clumsiness will most likely ruin everything," Mario yelled, and he stomped on Luigi's outstretched hand.

Peach crossed her arms, watching as Luigi rubbed his throbbing hand, Mario stomped away from Luigi in a huff, and Bowser shook his head and found his footing. "They're right, Luigi. You should have learned your place by now," she said to the younger plumber. She tapped her chin with a gloved finger. "Now, what was I going to do…?"

"Bake a cake?" Mario jumped in, his foul mood evaporating at the thought of the luscious, moist, creamy treat that Peach always baked to perfection. "For a certain special someone?"

Peach snapped her fingers. "Oh, that's right! The cake! For Prince Haru!"

Mario was nodding. "Right! For…" His eyes widened and he shook his head. "Wait. For who now?"

"Prince Haru." When Mario continued to stare at her blankly, she grew a little irritated. "You know, my fiancé?"

Mario rolled his eyes up, trying to think.

"No? Doesn't ring a bell? Prince of the Flower Kingdom?"

Bowser snorted, and even Luigi couldn't suppress a snicker. Mario couldn't believe he had lost out to a "flower prince," but he supposed they deserved each other. He wondered if Prince Haru's kingdom was inhabited by talking flowers the same way as Princess Peach's was rife with sentient fungi.

"He can turn into a little blue dog," Peach continued, glaring at Bowser and Luigi—who, to their credit, were biting their lips and trying very hard not to burst into laughter. "It's really quite adorable."

Mario stared at Peach. Well, that's what she liked. She liked little blue dogs. He really didn't have any comments to make about that.

"Did somebody say that Peach was into little blue animals?" asked a voice, and then they all saw a blur speeding towards them. It whooshed back and forth down the hallway, circling Peach several times and making her skirt fly up. Peach blushed and pushed it back down, but Mario, being the height that he was, had already enjoyed quite a show.

"Hey! Show yourself!" cried Peach angrily, and the blur complied.

"Don't mind if I do," said Sonic the Hedgehog, who stood there proudly, in a Nintendo story where he did not belong. He grinned up at Peach. "So, hot stuff…you said you like adorable blue animals, huh? Well, I happen to fit the bill completely."

"Aren't you still contracted to Sega? How are you even here?" Peach asked, and Mario noted that this was not, in fact, a direct refusal.

Sonic crossed his arms and averted his eyes. "I don't wanna talk about it…" he muttered, and then proceeded to talk about it. "Those contracts are tricky things. I didn't realize they could put me into a half-baked television show. Actually more than one half-baked television show. Neither of which are canon with the games or with each other…"

"I know how that is," said Mario sympathetically, putting his hand on Sonic's shoulder.

"I think we _all_ know how that is," Bowser agreed.

"Forget the animals, Peach. And forget the plumbers too. You want a _real man._ I can see it in your eyes." Suddenly Link was behind Peach, placing his arms around her waist.

"I _do_ want a real man," Peach conceded. "But you're an elf." She didn't even ask the entirely pertinent question of where in the world Link came from, because she was almost positive that she wouldn't get a straight answer, and she didn't much care anyway. She liked the way she was being held—by someone taller than her for once. She could get used to this…

"Well, ex_cuse_ me, Princess," Link replied, continuing to hold her.

Mario could sympathize with Link too. From what he knew, Link spent most of his time battling ridiculous amounts of enemies to save, preserve, and protect some princess who didn't appreciate him, and so he never got lucky. He never even got _cake._ All he got was a half-baked television show, just like the rest of them. And, oh man, that catch phrase: "Ex_cuse_ me, Princess." Mario felt doubly sorry for Link. He hoped Link didn't believe that that would catch on.

Eh, whatever. Maybe he could hop on down to Hyrule and see about Link's princess. And anyway, he still had Pauline's number on speed dial.

"Geez, Peach sure has a lot of guys fawning over her."

Luigi turned to see Daisy standing there and glaring at Sonic and Link with her arms crossed. "I—how did you—Never mind." He sighed. Like Peach, he was finished with questioning logic. It was Valentine's Day, and reason had given way to madness. It was the way of the universe that, on the day of love, logic should be as love was, crazy and unpredictable.

Daisy turned from the display of affection for Peach and held a hand to Luigi. Her grumpiness changed to concern. "Are you all right?"

Luigi grimaced. "Yeah. A little internal bleeding. Just a day in the life."

She giggled despite herself. "Well, your life stinks."

At the sight of her smile, Luigi felt pure contentment spread through him. He had to disagree. His life didn't stink. It couldn't stink, because it had Daisy in it. And in that clear-sighted moment, somehow the world seemed to right itself and make sense to him. Despite all the craziness of this day, the fact remained constant that Daisy existed, and since she did, he could never truly be lost or unhappy.

"Well," Luigi said, and he took off his hat and twisted it in both hands as Daisy looked at him curiously. His throat closed up after this first word and he felt like he would choke, and his heart was pounding so hard that he could feel it in his stomach and his hands, but he was determined to communicate how he felt to her. "Well," he repeated, but his face heated up and he started to sweat, and he couldn't continue.

He was a coward.

He always messed everything up.

And what would a girl like Daisy see in him anyway? He turned away from her, suddenly dreadfully ashamed and embarrassed, hoping she would just let it go and not pursue what he had been trying to say. He sat down on the floor, plopped his hat back onto his head, and put his head in his hands, trying to clear his mind.

He looked up at a gentle touch on his shoulder and was surprised to see her eyes studying him. He had expected her to walk away, lose patience, and he wouldn't blame her. He deserved it. But she sat down on the floor with him, linking arms with him and laying her head on his shoulder. With her other arm, she rubbed his back, soothingly. "Me too," she said quietly, even though he hadn't said much of anything. "Me too."

Luigi looked down at her in surprise, and he knew that she understood. She understood everything that he didn't say. She understood that he didn't know what all those other guys saw in Peach, and he didn't much care. He was glad that they were blind to the true beauty that was right in front of them. He thought that Daisy was worthier of this fervent adoration than Peach was, but he was glad that there weren't a lot of other men competing for Daisy's affections, because he knew he wasn't anything special, and if Daisy had a lot of suitors to choose from, she probably wouldn't end up picking him.

She knew, even though he couldn't tell her, that he loved her.

And she had said "me too."

Luigi watched her in awe. She could clearly see his shortcomings, fears, and insecurities, and perhaps she even shared them, but she loved him anyway. And… and sometimes, she was afraid too. Even Daisy felt fear.

But, that made Luigi want to be strong and brave for her. They could be brave for each other, with each other. Together.

"Well," said Bowser, watching Peach and Link with an expression halfway between confusion and disgruntlement, "happy Valentine's Day, Peach." He produced a present from inside his shell—

"So it _is_ a storage place! You owe me ten gold coins, Luigi!" crowed Mario in triumph.

"Ah, no way!" Luigi rubbed the side of his head. "Great. And I had set aside exactly that amount of money for dinner tonight…"

"Fair's fair," Mario said with a smug grin.

—and set the big box right in front of Peach.

In spite of herself, Peach examined the parcel closer. "It's bigger than I am!" Her eyes gleamed at the possibilities. "I wonder what's inside!"

"You!" Bowser cackled, and Peach barely had time to squeak "Huh?" before the box's lid opened as if it had hinges and the box leaned toward Peach. A satiny ribbon like a tongue snaked toward the princess and wrapped around her waist, easily picking her up and depositing her inside the box. The lid snapped shut, and Bowser hefted the box under his arm, laughing as he ran off. "Don't tell me you didn't see this coming!" he called back as he exited the castle.

"Mamma mia!" Mario sprang up, looking after the maniacal reptile toting his captive princess. "Luigi! Let's-a go!"

"'Mamma mia'? 'Let's-a go'?" Link muttered, shaking his head. "I hope Mario doesn't think those catch phrases will ever catch on."

Luigi sighed, but stood up, disentangling himself from Daisy. He smiled apologetically at her. "Well, here we go again. Duty calls. So I guess we won't have a chance for a Valentine's dinner after all."

Daisy smiled back, brushing off Luigi's shirt and straightening his overall straps. "Not a problem at all, mister. If I heard correctly, you just lost a bet and wouldn't be able to afford one anyway." She paused and then looked him straight in the eye. "Just be careful and promise me you'll come back safe. That's the only Valentine's present I need from you."

"That, I think I can do." Luigi nodded. "We always do."

"Luigi, come on! Let's get a move on already," Mario called, champing at the bit and ready to battle Bowser for his princess once again.

"All right, here we go." With a final smile at Daisy, Luigi went to Mario's side, just the same as always. And followed him as they set off to retrieve his princess.

But deep down, he had to admit he felt a little smug, because, for once, he had something Mario didn't. He had already found his own princess, one who didn't have to constantly be re-found. She was constant and steady and would remain so. All he had to do was come home to her.

The End


End file.
